Doctor

I wore my long white coat for the first time this week.  For those of you not in the medical field, the long coat is traditionally worn by people who have earned their MDs, while the short coat is worn by students.  It felt odd billowing down the hall with a train of extra white cloth behind me (being 5'3", even the smallest sized coat is unnecessarily long).  When I tried it on in the privacy of my apartment, my ego definitely grew with the length of the white hem... but the moment I stepped in the hospital, I found myself wishing that I could run and hide again in the safety of the truncated coat.  Wearing the long coat means I ought to know something.  It means I'm "Dr. S---" instead of just Cheryl.  I'd really rather be just Cheryl.

The weeks since my last post in March have been a whirlwind of movement and activity.  A trip to the British Virgin Islands for a wedding, two graduations on opposite sides of the country, a journey to a small village in China where my father was born, a huge move from Houston to Seattle, a week of frantic furniture-purchasing and errand-running, a few days of rather useless orientation, and then I found myself standing in a patient's room last Wednesday introducing myself as the doctor who would be taking care of so-and-so's very sick mother.  I could write a novel about each of those events, and maybe one day I will.  But today on my one day off, I just want to mention a single moment this afternoon.

It's been a rough week.  I can't remember another time when I felt so inadequate and frustrated, doubting everything I've done over the past few years and everything I've believed.  Exhaustion and stress have a way of making you question your very existence.  I took a walk down to the bay (I live 2 blocks from the water) and sat watching the sailboats motor by on their way to the sound.  I jotted a few things in my journal and sat talking to God.  I guess that's praying, although for months now I've struggled with prayer.  I'm not sure God talked back to me.  But I did begin to notice again the beauty of the sun sparkling on the water.  Some of you would say the newfound hopefulness is just a result of a good night's sleep.  I obviously think it's more than that.  I may never ever understand Him, but I take comfort that He's there.  Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.